The Rutherfords, who’d expressed interest in introducing me to their younger daughter, sent a polite note, declining.
The Preston’s, the Montgomery’s, the Fairfaxes, all the prominent families who might have overlooked my physical frailty for the sake of the Callahan fortune, all suddenly found reasons why their daughters were unsuitable or already promised elsewhere.
But it wasn’t just the private rejections that hurt.
It was the public comments.
I overheard Mrs.
Harrison at church in April.
Such a pity about the Callahan boy.
The judge has all that wealth and no proper heir to leave it to.
Makes you wonder what the point is.
At a dinner party my father hosted in May, one of the guests, drunk on my father’s fine whiskey, said loudly enough for me to hear from the hallway, “It’s nature’s way, isn’t it? The weak ones aren’t supposed to reproduce.
Keeps the stock healthy.” A visiting planter from Louisiana examining a horse my father was selling commented, “Fine animal.
Strong lines, good confirmation, proven stud.
Not like that son of yours, eh? Sometimes breeding just fails.
Each comment was a knife, but I’d learned to show no reaction.
What would be the point? They were right in the terms they understood.
I was defective merchandise, a failed investment, a dead-end branch on the family tree.
My father withdrew into himself during the spring and summer of 1858.
He still ran the plantation with his usual efficiency, still served as county judge, still attended social functions.
But at home, he was increasingly distant, spending long hours in his study with bourbon and legal documents, working on something he wouldn’t discuss with me.
I retreated into books.
My father’s library contained over 2,000 volumes, and I’d read most of them by age 19.
I particularly loved philosophy and poetry.
Marcus, Aurelius, Epictitus, Keats, Shelley, Byron.
I found solace in words written by men who’d contemplated suffering, mortality, and the human condition.
I also began exploring books my father didn’t know were in his library, volumes that previous owners had left behind or that had been accidentally included in lots purchased at estate sales.
These included abolitionist literature that was technically illegal in Mississippi.
Narrative of the life of Frederick Douglas published in 1845.
Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe published in 1852.
Essays by William Lloyd Garrison and other Northern abolitionists.
I read these forbidden books late at night when the house was quiet, and they disturbed me profoundly.
I’d grown up accepting slavery as natural, as ordained by God, as beneficial to both master and slave.
The idea that enslaved people were inferior, childlike, incapable of self-governance.
This was what everyone around me believed and taught.
But these books presented a different picture.
Frederick Douglas wrote with intelligence and eloquence that matched any white author I’d read.
He described the brutality of slavery, the whippings, the family separations, the sexual exploitation, the psychological torture of being treated as property.
Uncle Tom’s cabin, despite being fiction, depicted slavery’s horrors with devastating emotional impact.
I began noticing things I’d previously ignored.
The scars on the backs of field hands.
The way enslaved people’s expressions went blank and subservient when white people approached.
The children who looked suspiciously like my father’s overseers.
The women who disappeared from the fields for months, then returned without the babies they’d obviously carried.
But I did nothing with these observations.
I was too weak, too dependent, too compromised by my own comfort to challenge the system.
I told myself I was different from other slaveholders, that I treated enslaved people with more kindness.
But kindness doesn’t make slavery less evil.
It just makes the enslaver feel better about participating in it.
In September 1858, my father made another attempt at finding me a bride.
He contacted families outside Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia.
He lowered his standards, approaching families of lesser wealth and social standing.
He offered increasingly generous dowies, guaranteeing that any woman who married me would live in luxury and want for nothing.
The responses were variations on a theme.
Thank you for your generous offer, but Caroline is already promised to another.
We appreciate your interest, but we don’t feel it would be a suitable match.
while your son seems a fine young man.
We’re looking for a situation with different prospects.